It has been brought to my attention by Sharyn, that it's April.
And I haven't written.
Because my back decided to go and break on me. At a time when there are just a few other things I should be worrying about, I woke up one morning unable to walk. A few xrays and an MRI later I was diagnosed herniated, and torn, and bulging.
I don't like any of those words.
I feel like I'm doing the stages of grief in a way. But in a weird bizarre order, because I'm not really doing grief. Just a bunch of different emotions.
Sometimes all at once.
(Am I channelling Kelli crowe? With the short sentences? She's so cute..and wee. I bet her back doesn't just up and break on her!)
So, I'm broken. And at first I was really scared. Because words like "cortizone shot" and "surgery" scare the bejeezus out of me. Then I was desperate. Because I was on vacation, and away from my husband, and not in my own bed. And missing a really cool scrapbook convention that I was supposed to be working at.
Now: well now I'm mad. I'm blaming the steroids for giving me 'roid rage! Really! Like, I could throw my shoe across the room, that is if I could reach my feet to remove said shoe. I'm mad because I've got stuff to do! Stuff that involves secrets I haven't shared yet. Stuff that involves being able to put my own clothes on, tie my own shoes, shave my own legs. Stuff that involves sitting up in a chair, driving in a car, not having to take mind numbing pain killers.
And have I mentioned we were trying to have a baby? Like, finally. After doing everything we said we'd do so we'd be ready to be parents. Finally, both of us on board. Ready to get to the fun stuff.
And then my back broke.
Thankfully, God saw all this coming and didn't get me pregnant yet, because I don't know HOW that would have worked. I'm pretty sure Darvocet is bad for babies. As are Xrays and MRIs.
But now I've gone from Baby? Maybe? to Baby? Definitely not right now. And maybe not for a while if I have to have surgery.
And I'm sad/mad/and sad again.
My foot itches. I can't reach it.
And I need to buy Nair because at this rate I'm never going to be able to reach my ankles with a razor.
***this rant brought to you by Methylpredisolone and Darvocet. And the letter G for Grrrrrrr****